Unexpurgated Hospital Stories

After a long career working in hospital emergency rooms, ICU areas, home care, and private duty respiratory support, many warm and humorous stories have been accumulated. Here’s a few appetizers just to get you interested.

QUANG TI DUC

This was a practical joke that went badly awry. During the time when South Vietnamese refugees were being relocated to the redistribution center at Fort Chaffee, Arkansas, a fellow department head thought it would be amusing to rattle the cage of the Director of Personnel.

He had been attempting to find three students for his small school of Nuclear Medicine and was having no takers. According to the Federal employment laws, the Personnel Director was required to post the position on the hospital bill board before seeking applicants from outside the organization. Who knows, maybe there is an individual presently employed in the Housekeeping Department with degrees in Radiology, Chemistry, Physics, and Biology. Not likely, but hey…it could happen.

After waiting a week to see if someone miraculously appeared from within, it became obvious to even the PD that more aggressive efforts would be required. Ads were then placed in several large Kansas newspapers and he settled back to wait.

My friend saw this as a golden opportunity for an extraordinary practical joke and proceeded to create a letterhead from Fort Chaffee and upon it he wrote a heartfelt letter of thanks to himself; he who had expressed such great concern for these unfortunate victims of circumstance. Yep, that oughta do it.

In the letter, he listed three fictitious Vietnamese applicants with medical backgrounds and wonderfully grand names; Hang Son Moon, Le Duc Tho, and the only one of the three who spoke the King’s English, the star of the show, one Quang Ti Duc!

The Fort Chaffee official advised my friend that based upon their conversations, he was thrilled to know that these three ‘students’ would be most welcome in our town and at our Hospital.

He also advised that they would be arriving on July 4th (how appropriate) to attend the school of Nuclear Medicine. Thoughtfully, a small stipend would be provided including lodging quarters, meals, and transportation. Green cards would be procured for the students by my friend, and just like that, three deserving refugees would gain legal entrance to America and her boundless opportunities.

The final sentence was the kicker saying that as soon as the ‘boys’ were settled, the wives and children would be arriving…along with many extended family members of which there was a veritable Greek Chorus including; fathers, mothers, uncles, aunts, grandfathers, grandmothers, etc! All were so happy and immensely grateful to my friend; scarcely able to wait until they would meet this wonderful benefactor.

Zounds! This should cause the Personnel Director a modicum of panic.

So, when the time was right, my friend, in an agitated state, approached the Personnel Director and admitted he had inadvertently created an enormous problem and asked for help…fast! What to do?

The PD read the letter and turned ashen! Racing out of his office he ran down to the conference room and interrupted a special emergency Executive Committee meeting that was underway. The topic? Unlicensed Vietnamese medical personnel!

Unbeknownst to my friend, one of the young rogue physicians on the staff had gone off the reservation by hiring three unlicensed Vietnamese physicians and planned to set them up in satellite offices in nearby towns. They would work under his supervision and would see patients just like a state licensed physician! The special meeting was convened to discuss ways to stop this.

When the committee members read my friend's letter to himself, he was summoned to appear. Curtly, the CEO demanded to know how this came to be. One of the physicians was particularly incensed and demanded to know by what authority my friend had arranged for these three students. When my friend attempted to explain, he was rudely interrupted by yet another doctor who told him that he knew of this Quang Ti Duc fellow as he was the ringleader of the group and was hostile to all with round eyes.

A melee ensued and it was several minutes before my friend was able to respond. When he did speak, it was to report all this was merely a complicated joke with the Personnel Director as the target. There was no Hang Son Moon nor was there a Le Duc Tho. The ringleader, one Quang Ti Duc, was a figment of the imagination. My friend knew nothing about the other activities and told the committee that it was just an unfortunate coincidence that the phony letter was given to the Personnel Director on the same day and at the same time that the emergency meeting was held! Bad luck all around.

An uncomfortable silence developed and the CEO dismissed my friend saying they would talk later. Yes, they would indeed have a talk; several of them in fact, but that is a story for another day.

News of this went though the Hospital grapevine like wildfire. Everyone (well, almost everyone) had a good laugh at the unintended consequences of the prank. My friend vowed never to pull a joke on anyone again, but then again...maybe just one more.

AT THE ZOO

A young physician joined the staff of our hospital in Western Kansas and soon it was his turn to rotate through the Emergency Room. He was immediately swamped with sick kids, bumps, bruises, lacerations and old folks with trouble breathing

About 10:00 am, the EMT's reported by radio that they were bringing in a victim of an animal mauling. The victim was reported to have suffered many cuts, scratches, and bites. When the young physician saw the patient, he was aghast! He had never seen so many deep lacerations with spurting bleeders and obvious large animal bites in his life! He quickly set about clamping off the arterial bleeders while giving the patient a generous sedative to keep him from being so distressed while he was being cared for.

After a couple of hours of tedious work and a few hundred stitches, followed by a tetanus shot and massive antibiotics, the patient was admitted and sent to the surgical floor. It was only then that the police were able visit with the doctor and he learned what had happened.

The victim was a caretaker at the Zoo and had been responsible for the carnivores for twenty five years. Lions, tigers, and bears were all were under his care. He would transfer them from one cage to another, clean the soiled cage, place fresh water and food in the newly cleaned pen, and then reverse the procedure.

On this morning, he made a small mistake and forgot to latch the door connecting the cages. The old Polar bear almost had his head through the door when the caretaker realized he was nearly free. He attempted to close the door. When he pushed the door back the bear simply lunged forward and attacked him!

Fortunately, a police officer drove by at the very start of the mauling and dispatched the bear with several shots from his pistol. He called for back up and an ambulance, then attempted to roll the bear off the terrified caretaker. When help arrived, several men were required to move the dead bear and free the caretaker. He was treated at the scene and rapidly transported to the hospital.

The young doctor told this story many times at special meetings over the next few years . He was struck by the irony that one of his first patients, while working in the great Southwest American desert, was a victim of…a polar bear mauling!

PAGING DR. TURDELL

One night I called the ICU to talk with my co-worker. The phone was answered by a male nurse who had this to say; “Good evening, World’s Best Hospital, Intensive Care Unit, Kevin speaking, how may I help you?” Whew! A wacko who answers a phone like this just begs for a snappy comeback.

In a loud voice, I replied, “Kevin! This is Dr.Turdell! You got any coffee down there?”

"Who is this now?” he asked.

“Coffee!” I said. “I’m making rounds and will be down there in ten minutes. I’ll want a couple of sandwiches too and make it fast. I’ll be in a big hurry.” Bang! I hung up the phone, waited a couple of minutes and strolled down to the Unit to see what havoc I had created.

Kevin was in a state of near apoplexy, trying to fix a fresh pot of coffee and figure out where to get sandwiches for this very important personage who was coming down. I got there just as he was telling the charge nurse what had happened. He did not know the physician's name.

Attempting to be helpful, I told them “Oh, you must be referring to Dr. Turdell. I heard him yelling at someone to make some coffee and sandwiches."

“Just who is this Dr. Turdell?” asked the charge nurse.

I said, “You’re asking me? Who is J. Winthrop Turdell, III? Why, he’s one of the really big admitters here." Did I get a mention I go a nearly violent reaction here? I should have. Wow!

Everybody then began racing around trying to find sandwich fixin's. My co-worker appeared on the scene and after taking all this in, asked Kevin what was going on. Kevin was too excited to be really coherent, but my co-worker tumbled to the joke immediately.

Looking over at me, he raised one eyebrow slightly and pointed at me. I grinned and imperceptibly nodded one time only. We walked back to our office and I told him all about it. He laughed and then suggested I get the hell out of Dodge till this blew over. I concurred.

After a while, they figured it out. Next time I went down there, it was like entering an armed camp. Unprofessional, immature, stupid, uncalled for, and dangerous were only a few of the printable words thrown my way.

Oh, what the hell? On a slow evening it sure woke everybody up, didn’t it?

THE ANNIVERSARY

Part of the joy of providing respiratory support service to home patients on oxygen and ventilator care is the relaxed way in which one interacts with the patients. These folks are in their element here as opposed to being in the sterile environment of a hospital setting. We are on their turf now and it's gratifying to see the changes is their personalities.

In some cases, it was sad to know that when I arrived at the home, my visit appeared to be the highlight of the week for these neglected folks who have been all but forgotten by former friends and family members.

One of my favorite stories was of an elderly couple who lived in a small Kansas town. When I arrived to service their oxygen concentrator, they were still excited about the wonderful evening they had on their 48th wedding anniversary.

"Oh, it was just great!!", they told me. "We went into the city, saw a great movie and then had a wonderful supper." (for those who live in Topeka, Kansas, there are three meals every day; breakfast, the morning meal, dinner, the noon meal, and supper, the evening meal) They went on to tell me all about the movie, who was in it, and what the story was about. It was clear to me that they indeed had a nice date.

I nearly choked when they told me about the elegant supper they had in response to my asking them which restaurant they chose for their special anniversary meal.

Grinning hugely, they replied in unison, "Long John Silver's!"

HOME MADE BREAD

I had just finished my first visit to a home where a little boy was on a ventilator until he grew large enough to undergo a special surgical procedure that would allow him to assume a much more normal life. Optimism ran high in this home and I was pleased to be a part of it.

As I got ready to leave, the young mom asked if I could come on Tuesday afternoons instead of Thursdays." Well, yes, I could do that.

"Oh, good!" she said. "What time will you be coming on Tuesdays?"

I gave her my stock answer of sometime between 1:00 pm and 5:00 pm.

She then looked a little disappointed and asked if I could narrow it down a little more. I told her it was all dependent upon other visits yhat were scheduled on those days and where she would fit in with them; geographically speaking.

She replied, "That's unfortunate. You see, I bake homemade bread on Tuesday afternoons and I hoped to have some warm bread ready for you when you arrive. Oh, well..."

Hm. After a moment's thought, I asked her what time the bread would be coming out of the oven on Tuesdays.

She replied, "About 2:00 pm."

After another moment's thought on my part and I said, "I'll be here at 2:00 pm on Tuesdays!"

DOUGHNUTS TOO

Another elderly couple wanted me to come at 9:00 am. While it is difficult to guarantee a specific time, inducements can be made. When this request was made of me, it was asked right after I was given the information that the old fella (cagey old dude) loved to make fresh homemade doughnuts in the mornings. He advised that they would be ready at 9:00 am.

What else could I say? After all, I had previous experience in these matters after enjoying fresh homemade bread from the oven of the young mom.

"Yep, I can do that. I'll be here at 9:00 am!"

PB

Arizona Cracks Down

It's time someone should document exactly what is going on in Arizona with their new law dealing with illegal immigrants. Okay, you talked me into it. I'll say just a few words.

According to the news media, it’s been likened to Hitler’s prosecution of Jewish people back in the 1940’s. Like everything connected with the mainstream news media, this is rubbish!

Growing up in West Texas, this subject is not news to me nor is it news to the ranchers who live along the borders of Texas and Arizona. Actually this law is virtually a carbon copy of the current Federal law which is not being enforced.

Let’s establish one thing right now. This law is not aimed directly at the immigrants who come to the USA to escape extreme poverty and violence in Mexico. Nope, even though they enter the country illegally, they are not the target of this new Arizona law. The illegals are really in the wrong place at the wrong time. Could they not come in through the front door using the INS legally? Shame on the news media for failure to do right in reporting this truthfully.

This fact is common knowledge among the ranchers who live along the border. What the news media does not report, (why anyone would believe any of the drivel these cretins write is beyond me) is the blatant border terrorism going on now and which has been going on for a long time. Specifically, we are talking about the violent and deadly drug cartels.

When a rancher returns home with his family to find a woman’s severed head on his mail box, that sort of gets his attention. Why has a journalist not reported this? When there is a $250,000 bounty placed on the head of a Border Patrolman by the drug cartel, why has a journalist not reported this?

The answer is simple. It’s not politically correct. Being politically correct is best described as wild eyed lunatics, (see the current crop of elected Liberal Democrats) loudly screeching through foam flecked lips, insisting that it is indeed possible to pick up a turd by the clean end! Real journalists have gone the way of the dodo bird. Dismiss the present news readers and talking heads from anything resembling credibility or reliability. They are useless and can actually be hazardous to your health.

More than forty tunnels have been discovered connecting Nogales, Mexico to Nogales, Arizona. These underground tunnels are structurally very sound, using the latest engineering techniques to reinforce, light, and ventilate the corridors. They come up inside warehouses controlled by the drug cartels and are used to flood the US with illegal drugs. These tunnels are as far as 400 yards inside the USA and are used to dump in many undocumented immigrants along with the drugs to further confuse the issue.

As a direct result of the border violence and terrorism, many ranchers are selling out and moving north. So…who buys their land? You guessed it; one of the drug cartels. In this fashion, they control long stretches of the border and can freely move drugs and people through this private gateway as well. Did I mention that the drugs cartels have lots of money? I should have.

Mexico’s current President, one Felipe Calderon (who could only become a bigger fool if he gained some weight) has proposed a tightening of American gun laws to prevent his criminals from arming themselves! In the extreme, this is wanton bullshit!

Calderon blames the USA’s second amendment for his country’s failure to control his own home grown criminals. Look how successful Mexico's strict gun laws have been in rendering his few remaining honest citizens helpless and defenseless.

Truthfully, I feel he has received guidance in this harebrained idea from some of our own home grown traitors, idiots, and worthless sons of bitches like Senator Charles Schumer, Senator Diane Feinstein, and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

These despicable and unethical charlatons, along with George Soros of Moveon.org, really want the assault weapons ban reinstated at any cost to us along with even more severe restrictions added! We must be more careful about who we elect.

Calderon conveniently forgets how his country, back in 1858 if my memory of Texas history serves me correctly, President Santa Anna deeded over Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado, and California to the USA in return for safe passage back to Mexico so he could once again install himself as Mexico’s President.(editor's note: it would be okay with me if we gave California back)

There are three ways to defeat the drug cartels. One way is to shoot on sight everyone who illegally crosses the border, but the problem here is how would the shooter know who were the drug dealers and who were the innocent pawns known as undocumented immigrants?

The second way is to legalize drugs in this country. By selling drugs in liquor stores, the government could remove the profit motive from the sale of illegal drugs. Also the government could collect yet another whopping tax while saving the vast amounts of money currently being wasted on pretend efforts to stop the flow across our borders.

Finally, the criminal element can be arrested, prosecuted and sentenced to long, severe, and miserable terms in tent city prison compounds in the desert. Just because many criminals are breaking the law in no justification to stop the enforcement of these laws.

I personally favor the swift capture and sentencing of the criminals, but in reality none of these solutions are totally practical.

Right now, there are no other viable solutions. Until there is, Arizona and Texas ranchers are left to deal with this problem as best they can. That means some innocent victims from both sides of the border may get collected and this responsibility will rest squarely on the shoulders of the President of the USA. Not to decide…is to decide. Get off the pot, Obama. Time to man up!

Short of contracting with the Israelis for help in controlling our southern borders, I see no long term effective solution.

In the meantime, we must be very grateful for our second amendment and protect it vigorously! It’s all we have that separates us from the rampant violence of third world countries…like Calderon's Mexico.

Vote responsibly. This time; it's for real!

PB