NOTE: I have read many wonderful books and stories written by Lewis Grizzard. Who can ever forget his books with titles like "Shoot Low, Boys; They're Ridin' Shetland Ponies" and "I Love You, Kathy Sue Loudermilk!"?
His quotations and comments are equally entertaining and clever. Can you recall his comments after one of his divorces? He said "I ain't never gettin' married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house!"
Another jewel was this morsel about sled dogs. He wrote, "If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes!"
This column about the traveling salesman is indicative of his story telling genius and his incredibly sharp wit. I present it here giving 99.9% of the credit to him; with my sole contribution being the usual jab at Topeka. I have been unable to find the exact book that his story was in so I am re-telling it here from my poor memory. His original story is more than adequate to shine through brilliantly in spite of my paraphrasing.
This is Lewis's story...
Back in the early 50's, a pharmaceutical salesman had a territory that encompassed several southern states, including Georgia. He had one more call to a make on this late summer day and as he was still some distance from Valdosta, he ate his dinner on the road as he was driving along. (in the south, the three meals are called breakfast, dinner, and supper)
By and by, the gallon of sun tea he had consumed during the trip began bangin' on his kidneys and he knew that soon he must stop for a potty break. Since this was in the early 50's, there were no rest areas as we know them today. A large tree was frequently used by purveyors of patent nostrums and salesmen of various and sundry items.
Soon enough he approached a clearing that had a large oak tree that would be just perfect for his needs. He stopped the car and ambled over to the tree, out of sight from the road, and began sprinkling the base of the tree.
Relief began right away and with half closed eyes and a gentle smile on his face, he sprinkled the base of this conveniently located tree, thinking what a beautiful day it really was. Soon he would be in Valdosta for the last call of the day and in his small mind, he was already enjoying the fine Bar B Que with a big red soda water he would have for supper that evening.
All this good feeling ended abruptly when an angry swarm of ground wasps boiled up out of the site of his sprinkling and one of them actually stung him right on the tip of his business! (for those in Topeka, this means he was stung right on the end of his...sprinkler)
The pain was incredible, like unto a red hot needle! Immense swelling was instantaneous and most severe! In point of fact, he could not put the sprinkler away and quickly wrapped his sport coat around his waist. With great alacrity he ran to his car and starting it up, he drove off in great haste, headed directly for the Valdosta Pharmaceutical Emporium and Mercantile.
Arriving there, he flung open the car door and raced inside the drug store. Seeing the spinster lady filling prescriptions, he ran behind the counter and whipped off his sport coat from around his waist, thereby exposing his painfully swollen member.
"Ma'am, what can you give me for this?" he cried.
The little spinster eyed this phenomenon for a moment and replied, "Hmm. How about half interest in this store, 80 acres of good bottom land, and a '49 Packard?"
Great stuff, Lewis. I would have enjoyed knowing you.
PB
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
The Guardian
He protects his home with great diligence, prepared to repel any invaders bent on attacking his security. He is armed because his size alone is not adequate to defend what is important to him. His weapons will serve him well as he goes forth to protect his loved ones from those who are larger and will come in greater numbers than he.
He knows there will be no help from others of his kind, who, like him, have learned that it is only his determination and defensive skill sets that will ensure his ultimate survival. He does not care if his actions will be viewed as politically correct or even legal; he will be ready for battle at any time.
His aggressiveness is shown by his manner of dress. He is boldly attired in a neat, form fitting black suit, with a splash of crimson at his throat. He relies heavily on situational awareness and constant vigilance, but never wears headgear. He’s ready to spring into action quickly, efficiently, and without mercy. Speed and agility are his ”go-to” weapons and they are supported by an aggressive attitude that all intruders will be forced to deal with; mostly to their regret and dismay.
There is nothing in their world that could have prepared them to deal with this bold warrior. Who is he?
He…is the young male Hummingbird that patrols and defends the back yard near the feeder on our deck! He protects the rich red nectar that is placed in the feeder and he has more than repaid us for our expense in the form of high entertainment, aerial combat, and great courage.
In one set of battles, we observed him dispatch several of his brothers, a couple of wasps that came to poach, and the State bird of Missouri…the loathsome bluebird. (in my opinion) He is aggressive enough to dive bomb intruders and will actually strike them in mid air with enough force that we can hear the little bodies collide!
The only individual allowed to partake of his food source is a drab and fat chick that he apparently likes a lot. She is dull brown, a little bigger than he is and must be a real Hummingbird centerfold model as she is the only one he allows to use "his" feeder. I’m guessing she is bigger because while he spends most of his time defending the territory, she spends most of her time eating!
In about three weeks, they will all be gone; south bound for the winter. Some will migrate as far as South America. They will stop along the way and take on extra protein in the form of a dwindling supply of insects.
Our little guy may even cross the Gulf of Mexico in a non stop flight of 20 hours and covering over 500 miles; losing more than half of his weight! Considering he weighs around 1/8th of an ounce now, this is significant.
He will fly alone at about tree top level, singly, as a flock of Hummingbirds may attract the unwanted attention of large winged predators. What will he eat or drink during this flight? How will he rest? What is his average air speed? I don’t know.
I just hope he has a safe journey and comes back next year.
PB
He knows there will be no help from others of his kind, who, like him, have learned that it is only his determination and defensive skill sets that will ensure his ultimate survival. He does not care if his actions will be viewed as politically correct or even legal; he will be ready for battle at any time.
His aggressiveness is shown by his manner of dress. He is boldly attired in a neat, form fitting black suit, with a splash of crimson at his throat. He relies heavily on situational awareness and constant vigilance, but never wears headgear. He’s ready to spring into action quickly, efficiently, and without mercy. Speed and agility are his ”go-to” weapons and they are supported by an aggressive attitude that all intruders will be forced to deal with; mostly to their regret and dismay.
There is nothing in their world that could have prepared them to deal with this bold warrior. Who is he?
He…is the young male Hummingbird that patrols and defends the back yard near the feeder on our deck! He protects the rich red nectar that is placed in the feeder and he has more than repaid us for our expense in the form of high entertainment, aerial combat, and great courage.
In one set of battles, we observed him dispatch several of his brothers, a couple of wasps that came to poach, and the State bird of Missouri…the loathsome bluebird. (in my opinion) He is aggressive enough to dive bomb intruders and will actually strike them in mid air with enough force that we can hear the little bodies collide!
The only individual allowed to partake of his food source is a drab and fat chick that he apparently likes a lot. She is dull brown, a little bigger than he is and must be a real Hummingbird centerfold model as she is the only one he allows to use "his" feeder. I’m guessing she is bigger because while he spends most of his time defending the territory, she spends most of her time eating!
In about three weeks, they will all be gone; south bound for the winter. Some will migrate as far as South America. They will stop along the way and take on extra protein in the form of a dwindling supply of insects.
Our little guy may even cross the Gulf of Mexico in a non stop flight of 20 hours and covering over 500 miles; losing more than half of his weight! Considering he weighs around 1/8th of an ounce now, this is significant.
He will fly alone at about tree top level, singly, as a flock of Hummingbirds may attract the unwanted attention of large winged predators. What will he eat or drink during this flight? How will he rest? What is his average air speed? I don’t know.
I just hope he has a safe journey and comes back next year.
PB
More Gun Control?
Read any newspaper (even the yellow rags) about the criminal use of firearms and you will quickly grasp one glaring fact; namely that the perpetrators of this activity are all known police characters that have multiple felonies on their rap sheets.
This tidbit of information is usually hidden in the body of the report or slipped in at the end when the great unwashed reader’s attention has waned. In the most recent case I read, the accused had just been sentenced to 10 years in a Federal prison for illegal possession of a firearm. (for those cretins that live in Topeka, this means no parole) At the end of the story was the small fact that he had eight prior felonies!
What the hell are these criminals doing out on the street?
This dramatic style of reporting is presented like a superb dessert at the beginning of a long dull meal. After dessert, few would want to have a salad or a plate of beans. Hence…the reader’s attention is riveted only to the juicy parts. Some may even re-read the grisly details and miss entirely the real issue.
With this documentation of previous criminal activity, they could have been, should have been locked away for a long, long time. Yet here they are, appearing frequently in the news while the honest law abiding citizen lives with the daily harassment of background checks, training and licensing requirements, along with other needless restrictions foisted upon us by the witless Neanderthals that we have elected.
Go back to the Klinton years during which the Monica pervert went down as the most anti gun President in history. A shady, back room, midnight deal ushered in the assault weapons ban. By itself it was virtually worthless as criminals opt for small easily hidden handguns, rather than large, conspicuous weapons. Klinton paid the ultimate price two years later when he lost both the Senate and the House to NRA backed voters who put in second amendment candidates.
Later Klinton bragged about keeping guns out of the hands of more than 600,000 felons through the instant background check. (BTW, the NRA was responsible for pushing the instant background check through).
Now let us pause here and review the law on felons and guns. It is a criminal Federal offense for a felon to attempt to purchase a rifle, pistol, or shotgun. It is a further criminal Federal offense to attempt to purchase ammunition for said firearms.
So…even those residents of Topeka, Kansas would (should, may, well...maybe not) logically conclude that these laws were violated by felons attempting to purchase firearms and/or ammunition. (Just a brief note here about why, in my writings, I am so critical of Topeka...it's because the politicians in this Capital city and the Menniger outpatients have inbred over the years and produced a majority of seriously deranged and deeply disturbed individuals concentrated in just this one little nest who somehow rise to positions of influence.)
Hence…there should have been over 600,000 arrests, prosecutions, and convictions of these felons attempting to buy firearms and/or ammunition illegally and therefore committing yet another felony…or two. But how many convictions were there? Eleven. Why so few? Klinton couldn’t say.
The most spectacular of these was one Benjamin Smith who was not allowed to purchase a firearm because of a domestic assault charge and a restraining order. Rather than arrest and charge him for this felonious attempt to purchase a firearm and ammunition, the Feds simply allowed him to walk out of the store! Later, he obtained weapons and over the July 4th weekend, shot 11 people, killing 2 of them before killing himself. Google up "Benjamin Smith Shooting" for all the details.
This is the case that caused Wayne LaPierre of the NRA to accuse Klinton of being willing to allow a certain amount of pain, suffering, and death of innocent people in order to further his anti gun agenda. Stung and embarrassed by this factual charge, Klinton's reponse was lash out with the insipd claim that 600,000 felons had been denied access to firearms.
Note: If you are going to tangle with LaPierre, start early. And you better have your facts straight or else you will play Wayne's game of "Today's hasty, ill chosen words; eaten tomorrow; taste like turds!"
It seems to me that it would be more effective to pass new laws that required those judges who return career criminals (can you say repeat offenders?) to the streets to now accompany them as they return to prison and serve out the remainder of their sentences. Judge control; criminal control. I like that.
But it is always easier to attack honest citizens because in the end they will obey the additional laws no matter how inappropriate they are. And why is this? Because they are honest citizens!
Just like the anti second ammendent loons, PETA people protest the wearing of animal skins by throwing red paint on wealthy women who wear fur coats.
If PETA is really serious about this, why then do they not go to the Sturgis Motorcyle Rally and throw red paint on the boys and girls that attend this social event? Are not leather jackets and pants made of animal skins?
Ah yes, but PETA people know that if they do that, they will limp away with a sore hiney and other damaged body parts; much the worse for wear. Any one can see (yes, even Topekans) that an upset elderly society woman is much easier to deal with than a mean motorcycle rider that is highly pissed off.
And just like the anti gun folks, PETA knows who is safe to harass and who will break legs, arms, and heads.
Cowards, all.
I am...Pecos Bill and I wrote this column.
JB
This tidbit of information is usually hidden in the body of the report or slipped in at the end when the great unwashed reader’s attention has waned. In the most recent case I read, the accused had just been sentenced to 10 years in a Federal prison for illegal possession of a firearm. (for those cretins that live in Topeka, this means no parole) At the end of the story was the small fact that he had eight prior felonies!
What the hell are these criminals doing out on the street?
This dramatic style of reporting is presented like a superb dessert at the beginning of a long dull meal. After dessert, few would want to have a salad or a plate of beans. Hence…the reader’s attention is riveted only to the juicy parts. Some may even re-read the grisly details and miss entirely the real issue.
With this documentation of previous criminal activity, they could have been, should have been locked away for a long, long time. Yet here they are, appearing frequently in the news while the honest law abiding citizen lives with the daily harassment of background checks, training and licensing requirements, along with other needless restrictions foisted upon us by the witless Neanderthals that we have elected.
Go back to the Klinton years during which the Monica pervert went down as the most anti gun President in history. A shady, back room, midnight deal ushered in the assault weapons ban. By itself it was virtually worthless as criminals opt for small easily hidden handguns, rather than large, conspicuous weapons. Klinton paid the ultimate price two years later when he lost both the Senate and the House to NRA backed voters who put in second amendment candidates.
Later Klinton bragged about keeping guns out of the hands of more than 600,000 felons through the instant background check. (BTW, the NRA was responsible for pushing the instant background check through).
Now let us pause here and review the law on felons and guns. It is a criminal Federal offense for a felon to attempt to purchase a rifle, pistol, or shotgun. It is a further criminal Federal offense to attempt to purchase ammunition for said firearms.
So…even those residents of Topeka, Kansas would (should, may, well...maybe not) logically conclude that these laws were violated by felons attempting to purchase firearms and/or ammunition. (Just a brief note here about why, in my writings, I am so critical of Topeka...it's because the politicians in this Capital city and the Menniger outpatients have inbred over the years and produced a majority of seriously deranged and deeply disturbed individuals concentrated in just this one little nest who somehow rise to positions of influence.)
Hence…there should have been over 600,000 arrests, prosecutions, and convictions of these felons attempting to buy firearms and/or ammunition illegally and therefore committing yet another felony…or two. But how many convictions were there? Eleven. Why so few? Klinton couldn’t say.
The most spectacular of these was one Benjamin Smith who was not allowed to purchase a firearm because of a domestic assault charge and a restraining order. Rather than arrest and charge him for this felonious attempt to purchase a firearm and ammunition, the Feds simply allowed him to walk out of the store! Later, he obtained weapons and over the July 4th weekend, shot 11 people, killing 2 of them before killing himself. Google up "Benjamin Smith Shooting" for all the details.
This is the case that caused Wayne LaPierre of the NRA to accuse Klinton of being willing to allow a certain amount of pain, suffering, and death of innocent people in order to further his anti gun agenda. Stung and embarrassed by this factual charge, Klinton's reponse was lash out with the insipd claim that 600,000 felons had been denied access to firearms.
Note: If you are going to tangle with LaPierre, start early. And you better have your facts straight or else you will play Wayne's game of "Today's hasty, ill chosen words; eaten tomorrow; taste like turds!"
It seems to me that it would be more effective to pass new laws that required those judges who return career criminals (can you say repeat offenders?) to the streets to now accompany them as they return to prison and serve out the remainder of their sentences. Judge control; criminal control. I like that.
But it is always easier to attack honest citizens because in the end they will obey the additional laws no matter how inappropriate they are. And why is this? Because they are honest citizens!
Just like the anti second ammendent loons, PETA people protest the wearing of animal skins by throwing red paint on wealthy women who wear fur coats.
If PETA is really serious about this, why then do they not go to the Sturgis Motorcyle Rally and throw red paint on the boys and girls that attend this social event? Are not leather jackets and pants made of animal skins?
Ah yes, but PETA people know that if they do that, they will limp away with a sore hiney and other damaged body parts; much the worse for wear. Any one can see (yes, even Topekans) that an upset elderly society woman is much easier to deal with than a mean motorcycle rider that is highly pissed off.
And just like the anti gun folks, PETA knows who is safe to harass and who will break legs, arms, and heads.
Cowards, all.
I am...Pecos Bill and I wrote this column.
JB
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