The Travelin' Salesman

NOTE: I have read many wonderful books and stories written by Lewis Grizzard. Who can ever forget his books with titles like "Shoot Low, Boys; They're Ridin' Shetland Ponies" and "I Love You, Kathy Sue Loudermilk!"?

His quotations and comments are equally entertaining and clever. Can you recall his comments after one of his divorces? He said "I ain't never gettin' married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house!"

Another jewel was this morsel about sled dogs. He wrote, "If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes!"

This column about the traveling salesman is indicative of his story telling genius and his incredibly sharp wit. I present it here giving 99.9% of the credit to him; with my sole contribution being the usual jab at Topeka. I have been unable to find the exact book that his story was in so I am re-telling it here from my poor memory. His original story is more than adequate to shine through brilliantly in spite of my paraphrasing.

This is Lewis's story...

Back in the early 50's, a pharmaceutical salesman had a territory that encompassed several southern states, including Georgia. He had one more call to a make on this late summer day and as he was still some distance from Valdosta, he ate his dinner on the road as he was driving along. (in the south, the three meals are called breakfast, dinner, and supper)

By and by, the gallon of sun tea he had consumed during the trip began bangin' on his kidneys and he knew that soon he must stop for a potty break. Since this was in the early 50's, there were no rest areas as we know them today. A large tree was frequently used by purveyors of patent nostrums and salesmen of various and sundry items.

Soon enough he approached a clearing that had a large oak tree that would be just perfect for his needs. He stopped the car and ambled over to the tree, out of sight from the road, and began sprinkling the base of the tree.

Relief began right away and with half closed eyes and a gentle smile on his face, he sprinkled the base of this conveniently located tree, thinking what a beautiful day it really was. Soon he would be in Valdosta for the last call of the day and in his small mind, he was already enjoying the fine Bar B Que with a big red soda water he would have for supper that evening.

All this good feeling ended abruptly when an angry swarm of ground wasps boiled up out of the site of his sprinkling and one of them actually stung him right on the tip of his business! (for those in Topeka, this means he was stung right on the end of his...sprinkler)

The pain was incredible, like unto a red hot needle! Immense swelling was instantaneous and most severe! In point of fact, he could not put the sprinkler away and quickly wrapped his sport coat around his waist. With great alacrity he ran to his car and starting it up, he drove off in great haste, headed directly for the Valdosta Pharmaceutical Emporium and Mercantile.

Arriving there, he flung open the car door and raced inside the drug store. Seeing the spinster lady filling prescriptions, he ran behind the counter and whipped off his sport coat from around his waist, thereby exposing his painfully swollen member.

"Ma'am, what can you give me for this?" he cried.

The little spinster eyed this phenomenon for a moment and replied, "Hmm. How about half interest in this store, 80 acres of good bottom land, and a '49 Packard?"

Great stuff, Lewis. I would have enjoyed knowing you.

PB