Un Hombre Plastico

Due to countless requests for more information about Captain Elwell, here is yet another tidbit surrounding the exploits of this fearless brother officer of the law.

Another tidbit? You ask if there are more? Yes, there are many more; as numerous as the stars in the sky, but you must be patient. These will be sprinkled here and there in future columns to offset the dreary political hacks that I normally write about.

Captain Read Elwell, of the Finney County Sheriff’s Patrol, circa 1970 brought new meaning to club checks in the city, frequently elevating routine inspections to situations approaching a near riot!

The club checks served a multitude of good things; compliance with safety regulations, monitoring customers to ascertain that minors were not drinking with the big kids, and keeping unruly drunks from damaging the bar owner’s property or assaulting the more peaceful customers. These were usually friendly visits that fostered good public relations between customers, club owners, and the law enforcement community. No one was disturbed.

Ah yes, but...the Captain held that no one should ever resort to tact and diplomacy when a little violence would do. Within weeks, threats were made to visit evil upon his small round head. The High Sheriff began to fear for the Captain’s life so he was removed from routine bar checks.

Captain Elwell chafed at this politically correct molly coddling of ne'r do wells and lower life forms, but being a good soldier, he accepted this decision and looked around for other opportunities for mayhem. After all, felons are plentiful and who knows where they may be lurking?

He got this bad news just as he finished working a homicide where five undocumented alien agricultural workers, engaged in a dispute over a dark eyed club dancer, shot it out in a narrow hallway leading to a tiny bathroom. Even in this confined space leading to el bano, only one person was hit; the deceased. Amazing lack of accuracy. And the Captain was now supposed to leave high drama like this and happily return to writing parking tickets? How embarrassing.

Unfortunately, the Captain had been a victim of Senior Management’s infamous Seagull protocol. In the face of big problems, management flies in, like seagulls, making a big noise, crappin’ all over the place, and then flying away. This leaves the troops with the original problems yet to solve plus the new messes left by the departing seagulls!!

In due time he was able to arrest and offend numerous other perpetrators who probably needed to be arrested. These miscreants were collected under circumstances that were a trifle, shall we say, nebulous? This is as good a word as any, meaning a little foggy, unclear, iffy...

Then one day, a friend called and asked the Captain if he would please check up on one of his employees. She was a nice young lady who had missed three days work and had not called in. The friend was worried about her and asked the Captain to check this out for him.

How boring. Ah well, Captain Elwell, good man that he was, dutifully went to the address provided by her boss and knocked upon the door.

After several minutes, a weary looking young lady opened the door. Captain Elwell introduced himself and pushed past the girl and entered the living room. The place was a mess; with leftover pizza on the coffee table, empty beer cans, and dog poop on the floor.

The Captain would make short work of this and asked her if she was okay to which she nodded sleepily. He suggested she call her boss to advise him that she was indeed okay and would soon be back at work. As he took his leave, he espied an aluminum pie pan on the window sill just plumb full of little green plants.

Zounds! This experienced officer of the law turned ashen as he recognized the distinctive sprouts of leaves that identified this plant as...MARIJUANA!!!! Ah, ha! He now had a high misdemeanor, not actually a felony, but what the hell? Close enough.

Ever mindful of his delicate relationship with the Sheriff’s position, he elected to report back to him immediately and obtain a legal search warrant. The Captain would now lead a platoon of brave young officers on a real drug bust! Picture in the paper, promotion to major, a medal of valor, maybe even a book or a movie? Hey, it could happen!

Back they sped in force and reentered the dwelling. Gone was the friendly approach of the benevolent Sheriff Andy Griffin and in his place, stomped the caustic and cynical Detective Andy Sipowitz! All that was missing was a baseball bat, but a baton would serve just as well. One of his officers seized the marijuana plant and upon further review, slowly began to smile.

The evidence that justified this search warrant and this dramatic drug bust was a plastic marijuana plant!!! Plastic! Some inhabitants of the drug culture find this amusing. Captain Elwell was not amused.

Angry and embarrassed, he ordered a complete tossing of the apartment. Imagine, if you will, the thoughts racing through his small mind. He could hear the laughter of the bar owners and every suspect he had collared; not to mention the ribbing he would have to endure from his troops. How could this have happened to him?

But wait! In a chest of drawers, hidden under the girl’s lingerie, was a Polaroid picture of her and her boyfriend posing with a clear plastic trash bag full of marijuana! The Captain felt excitement clutch his little black heart. Was this to be his salvation? Please let it be so. Now if he could only find the stash...

Again he was cruising in great good fortune as another deputy soon found the huge bag of marijuana hidden in the suspended ceiling. Good! What a relief! A righteous bust. Anyone could mistake a plastic marijuana plant for the real thing so the warrant was legal. Probable cause was established; no humiliation for the Captain there; so life is good. He was saved.

But wait! No tan de prisa, amigo. Captain Elwell would not totally escape without losing at least a few tail feathers. He was known then, now, and forever more as...“Plastic Man!”

Rooster Cogburn would be proud!

PB